S02E04: Toni Collier - Overcoming Hurt and Brokenness

Ben Bennett is joined by Toni Collier, who shares her story of the trauma she experienced growing up, the struggles it led to, and how God brought her healing and purpose. They discuss practical ways to identify unresolved hurt in our lives and experience healing.

Toni Collier is a communicator, host, consultant, and the founder of an international women’s ministry called Broken Crayons Still Color.

Connect with Toni at tonijcollier.com and on Instagram @tonijcollier

Visit the Resolution Movement website: resolutionmovement.org

Follow us on Instagram @resolutionmovement

Transcript

Welcome to the Resolution Podcast, where we believe it's possible to overcome struggles and thrive in life. Here, we discuss mental health, trauma, brokenness healing, and ultimately how we can experience a thriving life with Jesus and others. These conversations are informed by my new book, Free to Thrive coauthored with Josh McDowell. I'm your host, Ben Bennett. Welcome to season two. 

Hey everyone. Welcome to another episode of the Resolution Podcast. Ben Bennett here, and I'm just stoked for today's episode. I'm joined by Toni Collier and we'll be getting into her story and overcoming hurt and brokenness. Toni is the founder of an international women's ministry called Broken Crayons Still Color, absolutely love that. It helps women process through brokenness and get to hope. Come on. She also serves alongside her husband, Sam, who is the lead pastor of Hillsong Atlanta. She is a speaker, host and consultant that has helped organizations with creative marketing leadership, student ministry and strategic planning. Toni, thanks for being with me today. 

Toni Collier (01:21):
 Hey. I'm so glad to be here. Thanks so much for having me. Super pumped about it. 

Ben Bennett (01:27):
 Yeah, so, so good. You're in the ATL right now. I'm in the DAL. 

Toni Collier (01:32): Come on, Texas, baby. 

Ben Bennett (01:34): Dallas, Texas. 

Toni Collier (01:34):
 I love it. You know I'm from Texas? 

Ben Bennett (01:36):
 You're from Texas right? Yeah. 

Toni Collier (01:40):
 The people need to know, okay? 

Ben Bennett (01:41):
 That's awesome. Represent. We hold it down out here. 

Toni Collier (01:47): Yeah, that's good. 

Ben Bennett (01:49):
 Well hey, hurt, brokenness, this impacts everybody from all walks of life. We hurt people. We're hurt by 

people. Nobody is immune. Life is messy. Then there's also so many ways that we can end up trying to 

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cope in unhealthy ways with our pain and make sense of what we've walked through. I think your story, Toni, is just so powerful and what God continues to do through you is amazing. Again, welcome to the Thomas Nelson family. 

Toni Collier (02:20): Ahh, I can't believe it. 

Ben Bennett (02:22): It's an awesome family. 

Toni Collier (02:24): Yeah. 

Ben Bennett (02:25): 

So cool to be in the Thomas Nelson family with you. What God's doing through you is amazing. And so as we get into your story in this conversation today, will you just start by sharing where did you grow up and more specifically within Texas, where did you grow up and, and what was life like for you growing up? 

Toni Collier (02:48): 

Yeah, that's so good. Man, I feel like I say this all the time. I feel like it's an elevator speech now, but I don't want to belittle story, because it was hard. I grew up in Houston, Texas, best city, state in the world. Hello somebody. 

Ben Bennett (03:03): Come on. 

Toni Collier (03:05): 

I grew up in a blended family. I had my mom and my dad, but I had two stepbrothers and then that one from my dad and then one step brother that was for my mom's first marriage. I really could say it was a normal household. We were a blended family, but it didn't feel like one. Unfortunately, when I was in the third grade, my mom suffered a major stroke. It left her paralyzed and just a really, really hard childhood taking care of my mom while my dad worked and didn't receive a lot of nourishment. My two older brothers went and lived with their mom, so it broke up the family dynamic and unit. My dad didn't have a high school diploma, so he had to work work from dusk till dawn. It's what you find with a parent that's present and married, but not present, and so miss out on a lot of nurturing and took care of my mom for a long, long, long time, all the way up through high school. 

I think the effects of those childhood wounds, as we call them, hello, somebody, manifested in so many different ways. I grew up way too fast. I didn't have the nurturing that parents give to help process through emotions and all that good stuff. And so I was at a serial number, so I'm like no excuses, no feelings. Everything's fine. I ended up losing my virginity at 13. I started drinking alcohol, smoking weed, trying to continue to numb all that pain and lack of attention and nourishment. My dad was very verbally abusive when he was around. It was difficult, man. 

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So broken family, broken childhood. Ended up graduating high school at 16 though, because hello to the threes on the Enneagram, somebody. I always wanted to win and achieve and accomplish, and so kind of living two lives, being crazy, ratchet, twerking all up at the club and parties and drinking and smoking and putting on this facade to make my dad and everybody else proud, cheerleading captain and debate team and all of this stuff. Ended up graduating high school at 16, put myself through college, was supposed to graduate college in three years and go to law school. Graduated college in three years, but I fell in love with a boy. I was like, "Bye, I'm an adult. I'm leaving Texas." Left Texas and went to Georgia, hopped into an abusive marriage. It was really, really hard season. I'll stop there and I won't give the rest of the story, so if you're listening, just lean in, maybe we'll finish it. So that's childhood. 

Ben Bennett (05:40): 

Wow. Hey, thanks so much for sharing that with us and the vulnerability in that cliche word, but really, I appreciate it. That's just so much pain to walk through, especially at an early. When you started early on coping or I don't know if you use that word, but drinking, smoking, having sex, did you know at the time that you were dealing with pain and trying to cope with it or was it just like, "This is how life is, and this is what I've come to know?" 

Toni Collier (06:17): 

That's such a good question. It's one, I don't get asked a lot. I love it because no. I mean, I didn't realize I had gone through so much trauma and pain until I was 25. I never realized that I was worth more than abuse. I just, I didn't know it. It was a part of life. This is just how it is. We go through hard things. People hurt you. You just bounce back and keep it moving and keep trucking. That's a really unhealthy place to be, because it's one thing to be aware of the abuse or the addictions and the numbing and the coping, but when you're not, you can't seek the help you need. And so here I am just gallivanting through life, just taking blows and not even knowing it, you know? So absolutely not. I had no idea. 

Ben Bennett (07:09):
 Yeah, and I think that's the reality for so many people. We never stopped to say, "Wait, did I experience 

abuse? Were all my needs met in childhood?" Probably not. We live in a fallen world. 

Toni Collier (07:09): Right. 

Ben Bennett (07:21): 

"Am I coping with something?" We can just go through the motions and live or worse, say, "This is just who I am. This is just my sinful nature. I was born, and I'll always struggle with this," rather than doing that hard work of heart work and taking a pause and asking people around us, like, "Do you think I'm healthy? Do you think I'm coping with stuff?" 

Toni Collier (07:44):
 Is everything okay? Are we good? Okay? 

Ben Bennett (07:47):
 Am I okay? Are you okay? What's going on here? 

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This transcript was exported on Jun 18, 2021 - view latest version here. Toni Collier (07:50): 

Yes, so good. 

Ben Bennett (07:52): 

Wow, so how did that pain keep showing up like past childhood, how did it show up later in life and before you, or maybe even as you began to seek help? I want to ask a question about seeking help in a minute. 

Toni Collier (08:10):
 Okay, I'm down. Woo. As Dr. Anita Phillips says, who is a master mind ... 

Ben Bennett (08:17): Yeah, she's awesome. 

Toni Collier (08:18): 

I know. She said something that I will just never forget. She said, "When we look at, at Jesus's hands and the scars that he bore with nails, not only do we see a healing, but we see a sealing," like S-E-A, seal. Okay? When we look at his scars, they're still present. They've just turned into wounds. They've scabbed over, if you will. They've healed. They've sealed themselves. What I've been processing literally, ever since she told me that was this idea that it's not that we're trying to numb, which was what I was doing, but it's that we're trying to take our childhood wounds and turn them into scars that we show with grace, but stories that's attached to those scars. That's the sealing. How do we seal our wounds? How do we actually get to a place where they're still seen, but when we tell our stories, they're in healthy and productive and hopeful ways? The truth is it takes a while to get there. 

When I moved to Georgia, got married, hopped in an abusive marriage, went through poverty, then went through church, heard a manipulation from a pastor that, oh my gosh, that's a whole nother episode, church hurt, holla. And then transitioned out of the marriage, got a divorce, tried to restart my life, have this moment at 25 years old where I'm like, "Dang, I just went through a lot in 25 years. Now I need some help." I had to take a step back to go form scars that would be sealed. 

I couldn't tell my story at the beginning. It's just the truth. Because first of all, I was mad at everybody. I'm like, "Dang, y'all suckers really abused me out here." You know? I had so much bitterness from my first marriage, from this pastor that just manipulated me spiritually and in so many different ways that my story wasn't sealed yet. I was going through a healing process. I sat in the counseling office every week for two freaking years. Every single week I did EMDR, which is trauma treatment. I did a 16 week betrayal trauma group, which was literally the worst, the worst pruning process of my whole freaking life. I'm like, "This is horrible." 

Then when I got to the other side and I felt like I actually had scars that were sealed, I said, "Okay, now it's time for me to tell my story." Truthfully, in the telling of the story, it's almost even more healing. It's just a different type of healing. It's been a journey, but I think that people have got to give themselves time to heal. I'm just going to be 100% real with you, this may be controversial, but I'm going to say it. People are out here waving the vulnerability flag, telling all their business on social media from a halfway healed place, and they are opening up wounds in themselves and other people that haven't been healed and destruction is happening. I feel like we have to be responsible with our healing. You can't just be telling everybody all your business on social media expecting for you to just be okay once you get to that aware place and you're not seeking professional help in healing. That quickly turns into 

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depression, anxiety, suicidal, thoughts, and ideation. I just feel like we need to be a little bit more 

responsible with our vulnerability and transparency. 

Ben Bennett (12:00):
 That's that's a good word. I think it's Craig Rochelle who said, "Everything that's said needs to be true, 

but not everything true needs to be said." 

Toni Collier (12:10):
 Come on somebody. That was Craig? 

Ben Bennett (12:13):
 Yeah, I think so on one of his leadership podcasts. 

Toni Collier (12:13): So good. 

Ben Bennett (12:16): 

I think about it's so, and I've seen this all the time, just being in ministry 10 years, leading recovery groups, speaking, writing the whole shebang. People still say shebang? I don't know. I just did, so whatever. 

Toni Collier (12:30):
 I receive it. I receive it. 

Ben Bennett (12:31): 

But people will so quickly finally feel, "Oh, I'm no longer walking in shame. I've told somebody. Now I want to tell everybody." It's not always the best time. I think about my healing journey. One of my mentors gave me a really good word and encouragement. It was like, I didn't start sharing my story of healing from porn addiction and trauma and mental health stuff until probably four or five years into the healing journey of lots of recovery. He encouraged me not to do that, because there's this whole other, well, one, you want to be not perfect, but in the process, but then there's this whole other of going public. You're opening, you're basically taking those wounds and allowing other people to say positive things, say negative things, to attack them. If you're not ready, it can deepen that wound and be so painful. 

Toni Collier (13:39): Yeah. 

Ben Bennett (13:39): 

One of the questions well, I mentioned earlier that I wanted to ask was in your journey, how did you eventually get to the point of saying, "I need help," or realizing you needed help and getting into the EMDR and the betrayal recovery group and all of that? 

Toni Collier (13:57): 

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The truth is, as cliche as it sounds, fam, I needed to be around healthy community that could recognize first and foremost, that what I had gone through was unhealthy. It is not healthy for a 13 year old to be sexually manipulated and lose her virginity. It's not healthy for a 14 year old to resort to alcohol and weed and numbing in those ways. It's not healthy to leave the house at 16, shrunk up the deuces, cut everybody off and lead my own life. I was not psychologically ready for that. It's not healthy for a pastor to pay you way below minimum wage for 80 plus hours a week and tell you that your purpose is connected to him and not God. 

It's not healthy, but the problem was everybody around me was also abused and in those types of moments. All of my friends smoked and drank and partied. I had nobody, unfortunately, to steer me in the right direction. My mother was sick. Unfortunately, my dad was at work all the time. He had a hundred other things going on to try to take care of our family as we helped my mom heal. When I got around people that were further along in their healing journey, which is healthy, just grew up in a somewhat stable household. 

I'm like telling these stories. I remember my first counseling session. I'm like spitting it all out to my counselor. She's like, "Are you okay?" I'm like, "Yeah, girl. This just is what it is. This is my story. That's just it." She's like, "No, no, no." She was like, "This is going to take years." I'm like, "Well, what do you mean?" I was like, "No girl, give me a couple books to read. I got it. I'm straight." She was like, "No, no, no, you got trauma. You got abuse. You have some things you really need to process through." It was friends that had also gone through trauma and healing. 

It just opened my eyes if they said it to me or if they led their lives, seeing other married couples not argue and curse each other out and rip doors off the hinges to solve a simple conflict. Seeing that and being around healthy environments, that's what opened my eyes. Obviously the power of God, hello somebody. But I needed the hands and feet of Jesus to help me really understand and see that my life could be more, that I didn't have to be cursed out and yelled at and called out of my name, but that there was a gentle and kind way of honoring humanity and giving people dignity and I deserved that and I was worth that, so yep. 

Ben Bennett (16:36): 

Wow, that's powerful and just a testimony to how we need so many friends who can point stuff out in our life, but also know what health and wholeness is rather than brokenness becoming the norm and just settling for the status quo. 

Toni Collier (16:55): So good. 

Ben Bennett (16:57): 

One of the things that we talk about in my new book, hello, Thomas Nelson, Free to Thrive, is that how unhealthy behaviors aren't random, right? I think so many times in the church we think that this is just due to my sinful nature, this is just who I am. I'm going to struggle with it until the day I die. But so often there's a deeper hurt. There's deeper unmet needs from childhood, from life in the present that we are trying to cope with or trying to resolve. We just don't know it. We're re reenacting and trying to re- resolve past hurts in the present. Where would you encourage somebody to even begin identifying where those unmet needs are, where those hurts might be from the past? 

Toni Collier (17:48): 

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That's so good. All right, first and foremost, let me say this, this may be controversial. I just have to warn the people, okay? All of us have unmet needs. Every single person. We live, not only are we imperfect and wired for struggle as human beings internally, but we live in a broken, fallen world. I think our mistake has been what Sandra Stanley calls the comparison trap. Well, I haven't been sexually manipulated, so I don't really need as much counseling as Toni needed. I haven't tried drugs. I haven't been drunk before. I haven't been addicted to porn. I mean, she needs counseling. I do not. Or vice versa. My stuff is too heavy. I don't even know where to start, where to begin. 

I think we have to start a base level as humans. You have unmet expectations in your life. You have been hurt, sad, mad, anxious about something. I think from that place of just, what Paul says in 2nd Corinthians, of just accepting that we are broken is the first place to start. I feel like a lot of leaders, especially we get on these crazy stages, and we get these platforms, and for some reason we have convinced ourselves that we're invincible, but even more than that, as we parent, as single moms, as we are just married, marriage alone will tear you up. As we are parenting, as we are working corporate jobs, as we're working in a global pandemic, we are all battling through something. I think the first step is setting that foundation. It is what it is, fam. We're all battling through something. I think from that place of awareness and honesty and truth, we get to go and dig, right, and find those places in our story, whether self-lead or in partnership that we can unfold and really pinpoint and be people that live on the offense and not the defense. 

I have a women's course, The Hopeful Woman Course. We're getting ready to open up registration again at the end of May in 2021. One of the things that we do, step two, is called story mapping. It is the freaking step. It's the modules that take women out. We just had, we're finishing up a class of 50 women. They email us. They're like, "Do we have to do step two?" I'm like, "Oh yes, sis. Oh yeah, you do." I've had women say, "I've got to go sit with my counselor. Can you hop on the phone?" We literally take women step-By-Step from pre-birth all the way up until the age that they are. They have to sit down and map out every single thing that they battled with, that caused them pain, hurt, shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, whatever, anything negative. They even get to go and ask their parents, if they're around and still alive, what happened when their mother was pregnant with them, were there any traumas, all of it. 

You step back for a moment and look at that map and it blows your mind, because then God, with the power of God starts to bring fresh revelation and a professional counselor about all of these things that have happened in your story and how they're playing a role even today. I just, I think we had to do that. I think everyone wants to tell their story. They want to do the triumph and the testimony and all of that. That's so great, but let's not be surface level anymore. Let's actually go and figure out what it is that we're carrying in our marriage and what makes you pop off on your man or your boo or your woman and be mad about one little thing that gets brought up. What is that from your past that's triggering those moments? Man, how cool would that be in a world of people that's aware. 

Ben Bennett (21:59):
 Seriously, that'd be an amazing world. 

Toni Collier (22:04): 

It'd be an amazing world. It's like, how cool would it be if you're in an argument with someone and someone says, "You know what? The story that I'm telling myself is that you said that because of this. I think this is what it's triggering in me. I could be wrong. Can we talk about it?" 

Ben Bennett (22:18): 

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Toni Collier (22:19): Oh my gosh. 

Ben Bennett (22:20): So, so good. 

Toni Collier (22:22): That's what I want. 

Ben Bennett (22:22): 

Yeah, so many times in those arguments, in those conversations. If you ever noticed somebody getting really mad, really triggered, it's probably not about the present. It probably has to do with something in the past that was significantly painful for them. Just one tip of advice right. 

Toni Collier (22:22):
 Just one small little beep, beep. 

Ben Bennett (22:43):
 Write that down, tweet it, steal it. 

Toni Collier (22:43): Do it. 

Ben Bennett (22:47): 

Yeah, I think, well, what you're saying is people need to hear this. We basically, we have no other life to compare ours to. What we know is normal, so of course we're going to, as humans want to compare my story to somebody who experienced something that I think is worse, but trauma, hurt, brokenness impacts all of us differently. We're all made in the image of God, unique, so something that absolutely wrecked somebody may have a different effect on somebody else. Then the way it's going to play out, think about my story, the way my stuff plays out is so different than one of my friends who had similar stuff happen. We're made in the image of God. We're all unique. Nobody has, is, or ever will look like us, be just like us. We're uniquely wired to display the image of God in a way that nobody else can. That even is seen all throughout our brokenness. 

Another question I wanted to ask was how did all of this, well, I think that so often our story impacts our ministry, but how did all of this, everything you've been through, start to play out in your ministry, start to impact the dreams and desires and what God was calling you to do?. 

Toni Collier (24:14): 

Yeah, what I enjoy about what God is doing is that he made it very clear what part my story would play in our women's ministry, Broken Crayons Still Color. I mean, this is quite literally the name of my women's ministry is exactly what God's doing through my life. He's still using me. He's still allowing me 

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to pick up all the broken pieces from my life and for it to be used and to create a really beautiful picture 

and story for the generations to come. It was so distinct and clear. 

Broken Crayons Still Color actually came from a talk that I preached as I was going through divorce and transitioning from a toxic church environment, and literally, I'm sitting in my bed, trying to write a talk for FCA, Fellowship of Christian Athletes for these darn middle schoolers. I'm like, "God, I'm so unworthy. I'm going through all this at once. I don't want to let them down. Hello, performers, heart. I want to be able to preach and show up. I don't even know what to talk about." I'm just scrolling through Instagram. I just see a little graphic says, Broken Crayons Still Color. That, preach about that. 

Also, use 2nd Corinthians chapter 12, verse 9, where I so clearly speak through the apostle Paul and say, "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness, in your brokenness, therefore you should boast all the more gladly about your brokenness. Not about all the things that you have and what you can do and all the things, but about your brokenness, so that in order that here's the formula, Christ's power will rest on you." It's like God's on the sidelines of our lives, and he's like, "Put me in, coach. I've got some power for your weakness. Are you tired? Are you worn out? Are you weary? Come on." 

Psalm 34:18, "I revive those who are crushed in the spirit. I'm close to the broken hearted." That's what he's doing. He's literally using me and other women, let me just put that out there right now. As Bishop TD Jakes says, "If I don't see me, it's not for me." My story, Toni Collier Alone, is not powerful enough to convince a world and a generation of women and men that God can still use you, not only because of your brokenness and in spite of your brokenness, but right there in it, like right there in the hollow places, the valley places. What's powerful about that, about your weakest moments and still being able to do greatest things is that you, and if you're honest and vulnerable, your audience, your crowd, your followers can also see that it is literally God, because they're like, "Oh, she crazy. She's a right in the middle of anxiety. This has to be the actual Lord, because she's nuts." Okay? That's what's happening, man. We get to just go tell that to women and all the people all the time. It's just like, "Look at what God's doing. Look, look, look, look. He can do it through you too." It's been cool. 

Ben Bennett (27:03): 

Yeah, that's amazing, Broken Crayons Still Color. I checked out your blogs. The course you have on there, it's awesome, so helpful. We don't have nearly enough people who are speaking on this topic about overcoming brokenness, becoming whole, living in wholeness, becoming emotionally healthy, dealing with our past. I've racked my brain for years trying to figure out why that so often we don't like to talk about this stuff in the church. Maybe it's the shame. Maybe it's the fear. I don't know what it is, ultimately, but I do know that the Bible is honest. All throughout scripture, we see real, real brokenness. That's intentional that God reveals that to us. The people that we might want to put on a high horse, David or Job, we see their stories and the deep depression and the pain and the trauma that they go through. It's all of us, like you're saying. Toni, what would you say to somebody who is just been dealing with some kind of hurt, been dealing with some kind of brokenness or addiction or coping, unhealthy coping mechanism for years that is just struggling to keep going? 

Toni Collier (28:24): 

Man, I feel like I want to say, I have the chills. I feel like I want to say what I didn't hear. Number one, sit in that, sit in that truth. I was so ashamed and embarrassed for so long that I just had anxiety about everything. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that even I was introduced to pornography in elementary school and middle school. There was such a shame bubble. In that shame bubble, as even Berne Brown, she talks about shame like a Petri dish. She talks about this idea that when we isolate and 

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when we hide, it just festers and it feeds it all. But when we sit in the truth of what we are battling with and we allow people to give us compassion and a feeling of being known and worthy of love and belonging, it shrinks that shame until it's depleted. 

I would say first and foremost, just own it. Own it. It doesn't take away from who you are. Hello, I am Toni. I still want to roll up a blunt every now and then, so I can get of this frigging anxiety. I still want to. I still battle with lust and pride. I still want more followers and likes. Every single day, I freaking have to wake up and say, "God, don't let me mess this up." Because who I am is a person that wants personal glory and not surrender. That is who I am. 

There is not a day on this freaking earth, and if I do call me out, brother, just post it, cancel me quickly, there's not a day in my life that I want to go by and pretend like I've arrived. I don't think I ever will. I don't think I'll ever say that I've been set free from everything. I'm out of the trenches officially. I'm no longer in the valleys. I live my life on the mountaintops. No, I've been wired to live in the trenches, to hurt deeply and carry hurt and hope and pain and joy, and to go through stuff. I've been wired. God has fashioned my path to where when big opportunities come, I hide and I get anxious and I get scared and nervous. When I own that, that is when you see me hopping on the phone with my friends saying, "I'm so scared to write a book. I'm so scared. I don't want it to become bigger than God. I don't want me to chase after pride. I can feel my wheels spinning, Oh, maybe I should do this. Maybe I should do this partnership. I want so badly for God to run my life. But I know I have barriers." 

It's when I get on the phone and I freaking bare my heart out where my friends reach out and say, "Toni, you were made for this, and because of that posture, you won't get ahead of God. Trust that he's stronger than you. You won't bulldoze your way through this. He won't let you fall. Just keep surrendering." That's life. That's our, that's the holy discontent valley, mountain top moments that we get to live with in Christ. I just would encourage people to just own it, say it, heal from it, walk boldly in your weaknesses, boast about them suckers, remind yourself every day of what you were battling with so that you can make it about God and not you. And so that's what I would say. Not a [crosstalk 00:32:11]. 

Ben Bennett (32:11):
 Wow, powerful. I feel like we need a praise break up in here. Hallelujah. 

Toni Collier (32:18): This is when it tingles. 

Ben Bennett (32:21): What was that jingle? 

Toni Collier (32:22):
 I said, "This is when it tingles." It's a holy tingle. 

Ben Bennett (32:24):
 Tingles. I've got to use that. The holy tingle. 

Toni Collier (32:28): Holy tingle. 

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I know as spirit fingers from, there's a movie back in the day. I forgot the title. 

Toni Collier (32:32):
 Well, bring it on baby. I used to be a competitive cheerleader. I know what you're talking about. Don't 

worry about it. Gotcha. 

Ben Bennett (32:36): Here we go. You know. 

Toni Collier (32:37): Let us never forget. 

Ben Bennett (32:38): You know. 

Toni Collier (32:39):
 Holly tingle, man. It's all up in here. 

Ben Bennett (32:42): Amazing. 

Toni Collier (32:43): Yeah. 

Ben Bennett (32:44): 

Well, as we get closer to wrapping up our conversation today, where can people ... Well, no first, tell us more, a little bit more about Broken Crayons Still Color. Then tell us more about Hillsong Atlanta and just what God is doing with today. 

Toni Collier (33:01): 

Oh, there's so many things. I'm literally like, "Guys, are you sure? Are you sure? Do you know who you asked to do this?" No. So many great things going on, man. Broken Crayons Still Color, our women's ministry, oh my gosh. There's so many things. We have a blog BRKNcrayons.com where we just do series like churches do. We write about the hard things. But even more than that, we have our little Facebook group. We have 1800 women in there. It's a vulnerable vacation, if that's what you want. If you want to hop up in there and get some prayer, hear some women tell their stories. It is that all the way. It's been such a powerful thing. 

We have a prayer partner initiative where you could sign up to partner with a trained prayer partner for three months. That's something that we just recently launched. It's still just nuts that we're even doing that, but we really do believe prayer works. One-on-one intentional prayer is really good alongside corporate prayer. We do something called the Broken but Hopeful Challenge every two, like twice a year, pretty much essentially. We bring in speakers to talk about hard, messy, crazy topics. 

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I'm saying this for the first time, but we have a challenge coming up, our second one. It's called a Broken but Hopeful Challenge be Bold. We're going to be bold about our healing, be bold about our stories, and be bold about our faith. From that challenge, we then challenged women to hop into this course. We can only take about a hundred women every eight months to walk through road map, story mapping, transitioning toxic community, deepening your relationship with Christ. It is crazy. It's a 50 video course. It comes with a free 180 page journal. We do monthly calls. We bring speakers in. It's private and exclusive. It's got its own Facebook group. We hop on calls. We talk about like hard things. We snot cry. We snot cry every month. It's great. 

Ben Bennett (35:00): That's good. 

Toni Collier (35:00): 

We do that. [inaudible 00:35:01] Hillsong Atlanta, what is even happening? We're planting a church. My husband, bless his heart, who used to be on the road, itinerant speaker, living his best life, and that sucker is a pastor now, okay. He is literally meeting with our teams, cultivating family, starting family groups, and small groups. I just get to serve alongside him. I'll be preaching and teaching. I will be helping all of our teams. I have church planted before, been in marketing and creative ideation, so I get to play this role as mother of the house, obviously, but then I get to help everybody. That's like my consultant blood. I'm like, "I want to do something different. I'm not like [inaudible 00:35:44], first lady." No, I want to like actually do stuff. He doesn't want me to call myself a consultant, but I feel like I am. I'm like the most trusted advisor of the church. I just get to help and champion people and make spaces for women and set up ministries for people to come lead. I just, oh, I'm really excited about that. Last but not least, family, Broken Crayons is going on tour. 

Ben Bennett (36:07): Let's go. 

Toni Collier (36:09): 

Local churches in the United States, we have partnered with an organization that I cannot mention yet to go on tour. It's great. We've got churches locked in. Other churches are reaching out. It's a salvation tour. It is not a frilly common worship, all you save people. It's no bring the people that you know need Jesus and let's get them saved. With your ticket, you get a free ticket. Bring somebody, your mom and them, your cousins, your Grammy, your friends at work that you hate, bring them because this is a, let's get more women to accept Jesus tour. More details to come on that later. 

Ben Bennett (36:48): Yeah, that's sick. 

Toni Collier (36:49): [crosstalk 00:36:49]. 

Ben Bennett (36:49): Stoked for that. 

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This transcript was exported on Jun 18, 2021 - view latest version here. Toni Collier (36:52): 

Sorry. 

Ben Bennett (36:53):
 I'll be cheering y'all on as you do that. 

Toni Collier (36:53): Awesome. 

Ben Bennett (36:56):
 Is it just for women or are guys invited to? 

Toni Collier (36:59): 

All right, brother. At the end of the day, I started off as a student pastor, all right, because I had a little grit to me. Now, I draw my eyebrows on. I got blush and stuff on for the podcast, but I really grew up Ford tough. My family's from Louisiana. I grew up with three older brothers and a crazy dad. And so for the longest I was like, "Students." I'm called to everybody. The Lord was like, "Bring your behind to the stages in front of women." I mean, it was the weirdest transition. 

Ben Bennett (37:26): I'll bet. 

Toni Collier (37:26): 

I mean, sailor, I mean curse all up and down, because that's just where I came from, popping beer bottles all the time. Now, I'm like, "Women, come together. Let's talk about feelings." It's literally nuts. My, all my friends from like college and high school are like, "Who is this woman?" It is what it is, fam, you know? 

Ben Bennett (37:48): God does what he does. 

Toni Collier (37:51):
 It's so weird. I'm like, "Get my hair done." I've got flow-, look at this, so girly. I got flower earrings. It's 

crazy, but here I am. 

Ben Bennett (37:58): Let's go. 

Toni Collier (37:58):
 I do have sweats on, so that makes me, it balances it out. Okay. 

Ben Bennett (38:03):
 But you can't tell, the Zoom thing so. 

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This transcript was exported on Jun 18, 2021 - view latest version here. Toni Collier (38:05): 

Just watch [crosstalk 00:38:06] can't see, okay? 

Ben Bennett (38:08): Classic quarantine hack. 

Toni Collier (38:09):
 That's what I was hoping. Yes. Okay. 

Ben Bennett (38:12):
 All about those. Well, Toni, where can people follow you? Stay connected with you? Keep up to date? 

Toni Collier (38:19): 

Yeah. Well, I'll usually just say, "Hey, go to Broken Crayons, BRKNcrayons, but hey, surprise men, you can go to Toni J Collier as well. If you want to go peep it on the women's stuff, go for it. Brokencrayons.com everywhere. Our Facebook group, which I love so much, again, for the women out there, the Hopeful Woman Collective on Facebook. We debated back and forth about what should we call it. Should we call it the Broken Collective. We're like, "No, I don't think that people are going to want to join." So we decided the Hopeful Women Collective. It's been great, because it's a really inspiring thing for people to be a part of, so that's it, guys. 

Ben Bennett (38:59): 

Wow, that's awesome. Yeah, to everyone watching or listening, check out those websites. I've looked at them, checked them out, been following them. I've been following Toni. She's always posting amazing stuff. Wherever you're at, the reality is that we all hurt. We all experience brokenness. The goal is not to become perfect or to somehow arrive, even if we could, but to trust God to use us, to trust God to heal us. He's making us whole in the process. He wants to use us in the mess. All we have to do is ask for help, ask him for help, ask others for help and bring community in and take that next step. Toni, thanks so much for being with me today. Thanks for everything you're doing. It was so great to get to chat with you. 

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